Things That are Cool with the Vatican

The Reverend Jose G. Funes, the Director of the Vatican Observatory, recently decreed from the papal villa of Castel Gandolfo that the Catholic Church is actually "okay" with its faithful believing in extra-terrestrial life. Here are some other things you might be surprised to know that the Holy See has no problems with:

Double Dipping. Provided that the chip immerser does a full 180-degree lateral rotation on the corn snack in question so that the offending salivary juices do not come in direct contact with the condiment dressing, communicants should revel in the extra kick of a second dip.

Skin Bronzer. As long as the tanner is under no duress in doing so, the application of an unearthly orange glow to one's personage finds no conflict in extant church doctrine. The U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops actually recommends that such-inclined congregants accessorize with metallic lip gloss.

Not Washing Your Hands. Any male members whose, well, male member is in such perfect alignment that he can relieve himself in a public urinal without physically touching his penis shaft should absolve himself of any guilt felt by not heeding ubiquitous admonishments to the contrary and should consider himself in a special state of God's grace.

Keeping Your Cell On. Though they haven't made an official statement to this effect, it's commonly believed among several high-placed sources at the Vatican that cell phones really don't interfere with a plane's instrumentation and that that's just something the airlines say for the benefit of the flight attendants.

Premature Ejaculation. This should come as no surprise coming as it does on the heels of the 1748 Edict on Nocturnal Emissions, but the Church finds no fault in Catholics who "jump the gun" in a pre-marital context--seeing as how it's neither sexual intercourse nor masturbation--and prefer this abject humiliation over most other methods of contraception.

Chupacabra. Because of the rising fascination with this cultural icon or "latin bigfoot" following the death of eight goats in 1995 marked by a mysterious trilogy of puncture wounds, the merchandising of Our Lady of Guadalupe has seen a dramatic downturn. In an effort to diffuse the rivalry and to steal the thunder from satanists who link Chupacabra with El Vampiro de Mora--The Vampire of Moca credited with similar killings in 1975--several papal advisors have suggested that if the reptile-like being exists it is mostly likely a genetic mutation and that it's exsanguinating of livestock represents nothing more than the acts of a creature of God in its natural state.